


Unsolicited Advice

by nadiavandyne



Category: DCU (Comics), Hawkeye (Comics), Iron Man (Comics), Marvel 616, Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Ninjas - Freeform, and ruined galas, not edited who do you think i am?, the bare minimum of jason todd angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-17 23:28:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14841245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nadiavandyne/pseuds/nadiavandyne
Summary: "B is going to flay you alive." Tim said, flatly."Probably," Tony acknowledged. "But none of us got arrested, so are wereallyin trouble?""Yes." Tim gritted out between clenched teeth.Kate tossed another stolen hors d'oeuvre in her mouth and chewed as slowly and quietly as possible.Hawkeye and Red Robin team up to fight ninjas. This goes... well?





	Unsolicited Advice

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for shitty spelling and grammar, possible ooc-ness, and Ra's al Ghul.

When Kate Bishop was fifteen years old, she went to a gala in Gotham.

Which, as America so helpfully pointed out, was the beginning of many horror stories.

She arrived at the gala— this was before she stole Clint's bow and Bobbi's mask, for the record, and very quickly got bored. Her father started with the charm and small talk the moment they got there, and Susan melted into the crowd the moment her back was turned. Traitor.

Usually at galas, Kate would link up with the other rich, bored kids. But Jason Todd, her usual partner-in-crime, never showed up. And neither did Roy Harper, who was a few years older, but always down to cause some chaos.

Roy Harper would show up at a different gala later that year, anyway. And Kate would be wearing a mask and defending the gala from a supervillain.

Jason wouldn't be there, though. Jason wouldn't show up to another gala— ever.

But Kate only finds out the real reason for his absence when she's an Avenger and a hero in her own right. And that's years in the future.

Kate was 15 and bored when she saw the kid with the camera climb out of the third story window.

And following that kid was definitely one of the stupidest decisions she'd ever made.

—

"What the _fuck_ , Tim."

Kate was not asking a question. She was more stating her current feelings. And her current feelings mostly boiled down to 'What the fuck.'

It was a saying she had become close with while working in LA. Other than the baddies she was hired to track down, because most of their plans/motivations boiled down to that, she also used it quite frequently on Clint and America.

Now Robin (Red) had joined that little list. Although, really, he had joined it years ago during that whole cloning scandal. This was just the first time she said it to his face.

Tim at least had the grace to throw a somewhat guilty, somewhat apologetic look her way. "Sorry?"

Kate brought her leg up into a roundhouse kick, sending the nearing ninja into a buffet table. Hors d'oeuvres? Ruined. What a miserable waste.

"F.Y.I, when you host a charity fundraiser, having ninjas attack halfway though is not a good campaigning technique." She had liked her dress. It was a nice dress. Since her dad tried to kill her, she had lost so many opportunities to wear fancy dresses. Helping Tim out with a totally innocent fundraiser was a convenient excuse to wear a nice dress. And now, _ninja_ had destroyed her dress. "I mean, maybe it is in Gotham, but for us normal people..."

"You dress up in purple spandex and shoot people with arrows." Tim deadpanned, twisting a ninja's arm until she heard a nasty sounding crunch. Ouch. It was like working with a younger, more vicious Clint. Even the tendency for self destruction lined up well.

"First of all, it isn't spandex-" Ninja asshole got a little too close, and the sound he made collapsing when she brought a chair down on his head was practically musical. "Asshat. And secondly, I really feel like you are being quite hypocritical here, Mr. I-was-the-first-one-with-tights."

Tim made a sound that sounded like a disdainful snort. It was probably supposed to be a laugh. "I don't think that nickname is going to catch on, Hawkingbird. Hawkette. Lady Hawkeye."

Jerk.

"Red Robin, _yum_." Kate countered. "And don't give me that look, the only people here are us, the ninjas, and the creepy guy in the speaker system that already knows your identity and is controlling the ninjas."

"He's Robin's grandfather." Tim replied, pulling off a truly impressive Black Widow-esque takedown. "How are you all so bad at secret identities? It makes me cringe just thinking about it."

Eleven year old Tim Drake had been very judgmental. Seventeen year old, CEO of Wayne Enterprises, leader of the Titans, Tim Drake-Wayne was not much better.

"Robin's grandfather?" Purred the voice from the speaker. Kate resisted the urge to throw up at the pure slime sound of it, and instead took to making a ninja pile. Ninja #5 was tough, two times Kate's size and annoyingly fast. "Really, Timothy? Is there no better way to describe me?"

Ninja #5 pulled a knife out of nowhere, and her attention was pulled from the insult exchanging to not getting hit.

A slash on her arm causes her to hiss, and swing her leg out, catching the ninja's ankle. An elbow to the jaw with the uninjured arm knocks him back, and a punch in the neck sends him down.

Crap, ouch, that arm did not like that.

Ninja #6 comes from behind ninja 5, like a matryoshka doll.

And she definitely knows what Tim is getting for his 18th birthday. Ninja matryoshka dolls.

The perfect subtle revenge for his lovely gift of a toy Green Arrow bow at her 21st. It was manufactured by Wayne Enterprises, of course, because Tim is a prestigious little shit.

She's going to commission it from LexCorp. It will be hilarious.

Ninja six is slower but bigger, and has anyone heard about picking on people their own size? Rude.

A punch to the left has her vaulting over the pool table, throwing out a line to bring the guy down with her. A kick to the head leaves him unconscious and with a nasty bruise.

She spends about three seconds feeling bad about it.

Tim's migrated to the left, and she can hear him make a joke about explosions that has a vicious undertone. The kind of undertone that threatens violence of the pissed off vigilante kind.

Kate throws out a line referencing the last time they teamed up, and the resulting property damage.

Tim replies in kind. Okay, it wasn't all her fault.

A low laugh. "I have become familiar with Timothy's tendencies with explosive materials."

Kate sent Tim a 'is this guy for real?' look.

Tim winced, and sent her another guilty look. "It's not my fault you didn't guard your Dubai base better."

Kate grinned. "RIP, Dubai base. Doomed by incompetence."

A sigh over the speaker. Kate takes the opportunity to move to the left, where her bow lay, abandoned on the ground. Even thinking about the fact that she dropped it made her feel guilty.

"Miss Bishop, I would refrain against humor. You are worse then Timothy at it, and his sense of humor is horrendous."

"That's bullshit." Tim said, adjusting immediately to cover her back. "I'm hilarious."

Kate clicked her tongue. "Hate to agree with Creepy McGee, but like, your sense of humor leaves something be desired. Mine is top notch, but yours..." She made a so so motion with her hands.

Tim flipped her off. Kate clicked her tongue, winked, and did double finger guns back at him.

Then- a jab to a ninjas throat- a punch to a solar plexus- and Kate is leaping, grabbing her bow case from the ground, letting muscle memory take over as she grabs an arrow from her quiver. She doesn't technically need the bow to kick ass, but also, she's Hawkeye.

There are some things that are just expected.

"I can't believe I'm wasting time on you children." The creepy voice hissed, effectively ruining any joy from picking her bow up again.

"Ra's, you're hundreds of years old. Everyone is a child to you." Tim managed a level glare at the security camera, while Kate took care of the ninjas he was ignoring in favor of banter. Slacker. "Vandal Savage is like, the one person who's technically a peer to you. Maybe a few celestial beings that I've never met and hopefully will never meet. We're really not that special."

"Oh, but _Timothy_ -"

"Right, this is nice and all, but can you focus on the matter at hand, Rob?"

"Absolutely not." Tim replied, but returned to actually fighting instead of poaching off her hard work.

Kate vaulted over a railing, landing smack dab on the back of another ninja, and brought her bow down on her head. The ninja collapsed in a flail of limbs.

She turned to take a few more ninjas down, maybe yell a response, when the unmistakable sound of repulsors filled the air.

"Oh yes." Kate said.

"Oh no." Tim groaned.

A repulsor fired and the window shatters, sending the nearest ninja flying backwards. Tim made a whimpering noise.

"Hey Timberly, Katie-cat." Iron Man said. "Sorry I'm late for the party."

———

"B is going to flay you alive." Tim said, flatly. He was standing with his back to the wall, shoulders tense. Kate had appropriated Officer Xue's chair, because those ninja had actually done a number on them. Tony was casually reclining on someone's desk, a shirley temple in hand, ignoring the blood on his temple.

"Probably," Tony acknowledged. "But none of us got arrested, so are we _really_ in trouble?"

" _Yes_." Tim gritted out between clenched teeth.

Kate tossed another stolen hors d'oeuvre in her mouth and chewed as slowly and quietly as possible. One of the ninja had punched in her the jaw, which was just rude, and now even eating food was painful.

Plus, the GCPD wasn't exactly providing frozen peas to the injured, which was just rude.

It was nice that they hadn't been arrested, but _frozen peas_.

"I am going to have to suck up _so much_ at the next board meeting." Tim continued. " _So, so much._ "

"That sucks." Tony stated. "Don't see what it has to do with me, because this is all your fault, but still. Sucks. You have my sympathy. Want a shirley temple? I'd offer you alcohol, but I don't drink, and you're underage."

Kate finished chewing her shrimp and half raised her hand. "Ooooh, me please."

"Please kill me." Tim said under his breath. "Please poison my drink."

Tony grinned. "All right kids, two shirley temples on me."

Kate whooped. Tim made a whimpering noise.

"Kate, please mercy kill me."

Kate sighed. It was a tempting offer. "Sorry, you have board members to suck up to, and Tam scares me more then you do. I could give you a sympathy arrow in the arm, if you'd like?"

"With the way Gotham General works, that probably would be a kill, honestly." Tony pointed out. "Sorry kid, no death. Pepper gets all disappointed when I'm involved with corporate sabotage, which is really quite hypocritical of her."

Tim sighed. It somehow managed to sound both condescending and empathic.

Kate got up, gently lowered her bow to the ground, and went over to elbow Tim in the gut. He responded automatically via lightly punching her shoulder.

"Cheer up, Wonderboy. What's the worst that could happen?" Kate asked, bumping her hip with his. Tim sighed dramatically.

"That's what I said about the gala."

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in about three hours for a Wattpad contest, three hours before it was due. Yeah. This hasn't been edited, is in no way coherent, and probably contains more issues then Batman comics. And that says a lot.
> 
> First time writing both Kate and Ra's, hopefully I did them justice? And, yep, that thing with Jason was mean. Also, I'm not saying that I'm thinking about writing a fic with teenage Jason and Kate getting into trouble... but if anyone says they want that, then yes. I am writing it. 
> 
> Writing fight scenes is HARD. I now realize why I never write them.
> 
> If you want to scream at me, please join me on Tumblr at nadia--van--dyne


End file.
